A Chihuahua on a stick! My wife started going nuts with the Chihuahua thing. I thought, Damn, if she'd been going a little faster- I'd have a new puppet. I couldn't breathe, I was laughing so hard. With momentum, she actually pole- vaulted over the stick. Stick in the carpet, crammed down her throat. As she runs across the carpet she decides to quickly look down. She runs through the house, as fast as she can, stick straight out. This little idiot dog found a stick as long as she was- and she stuck it in her mouth straight out the front. Another way Chihuahuas prove their lack of intelligence: Most dogs know when you find a stick in the yard and you run with it- you put the stick in your mouth sideways. She poops on the carpet, I stick her nose in it- three times later she thinks, I'm not supposed to crap, ever. Now the brain- dead Chihuahua comes along. Three times later, he figured out: I'm not supposed to crap here. If he pooped on the living room carpet, I stuck his nose in it. Bill, Golden Retriever, very smart animal. Honey, what was that? I don't know!, Bill's sitting next to me: I don't know either! You're a genius, do it again! Size does matter in the canine brain. It's the Richard Simmons of canines, that's all I'm saying. That's not a dog, that's a yapping Beanie Baby, that's what that is. Not a dog: anything that is regularly terrified by a running leaf. Not a dog: anything I can easily drop- kick over my back fence. Here is what is not a dog: anything that bounces when it barks. When it comes to dogs- I have criteria for what is and is not a dog. I named him Bill because I got him when Clinton was in office- and as a puppy, he was *** everything. The dog I picked out is Bill, our Golden Retriever. There's pretty Christmas decorations all over your car. What's so funny? Can you see yourself? You're driving a powder blue Prius, holding a 3- pound Chihuahua. That morning, I don't know why I didn't see it- my children had taken vinyl window holiday decorations- and put them all over the back window of the Prius. That's the stupidest joke I tell all night. Leather, fur, I don't know the difference. Where the hell is this dog? Oh, there you are! Let me put down the parking brake, that'll hold you, you ***. You have to hold it while you drive or it'll fall down between the seats. Sparkly! I did that a little too well, didn't I? While I'm driving, I'm holding in my arm, my wife's 3- pound Chihuahua. She calls me on the cell phone, laughing. Then we were driving home and my wife is behind me in the Hummer. During the holidays last year, we took the Hummer in for maintenance. You suck, Dad! I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer. As I rolled it into the driveway, I told my kids: Girls, look at our new front yard ornament. It cost me a hundred forty- eight dollars. I went to fill it up that week, it wasn't even empty. Diesel, where I live, at its peak was $3.84 per gallon. The real one, the big one, the military version. It's not politically correct to drive it. The one vehicle I refuse to get rid of, I've had it for 10 years. 10 cents? That's amazing! I'm not used to a vehicle like this. You fill up and go: Oh, all done! I'll be damned. On one tank you've driven 2 or 3000 miles. You jump on the freeway and punch it, it goes: When you can drive underneath an 18- wheeler and go: That's really dirty, and drive back out. I don't know why you're laughing, it's a great vehicle. We got rid of one of the big, giant SUVs and got a Prius. We decided to do the economically and ecologically right thing. In driving around the city the last couple of days- I couldn't help but realize that here in D.C., like everywhere else- gas prices suck! My wife and I live in L.A., and we were owners of 2 big SUVs. Before we start, I must say it is a true honor to be in this theater- with you people, in the capital of the greatest country in the world- the United States of America. I know it's all for the little guys in the suitcase. What a freak! Would you idiots give it a rest? Would you like to see my stick? Thank you! Thank you. Pull up your damned pants, you morons! Second Comedy Central special, it's gonna be great! No, Mommy. All those kids and their hipping and their hopping.